Ta-Ta to the Tatas

Photo by the talented Leah Rife

Thirty-five total months of nursing my babies, it wasn’t always easy but it aligned with me. The same breasts that nourished them and gave them life are now risking my own. It’s still hard for me to understand. We started to quickly wean after my first appointment to prep for surgery. At first I felt like I was being forced to stop which was very emotional. Being ‘forced’ felt like I was not in control, so I tried to shift my mindset… I did have a choice, either remove the tumors or don’t. I chose to remove them and stop nursing. I cherished those last nursing sessions more, and I’m proud of myself for sticking with something that was important to me, but I think that made it even harder to get them removed.

I had a 4 week waiting period between my initial appointment and my surgery, which were some of the most mentally taxing weeks I’ve ever experienced. I wanted the cancer out now and I didn’t want to give it a chance to do anymore destruction. My only choice for my cancer side was a mastectomy because of the location of the four tumors and calcification, but a lot was still up to me to decide… Do I get a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy? Do I get reconstruction or atheistic flat closure? How do I feel about the reconstruction options? It weighed heavy on me… researching, talking to other people with similar journeys, talking with Casey every night through tears, and quietly sitting with my thoughts to figure out what I truly want.

I had genetic testing done and they checked for 18 different gene mutations that put someone at higher risk of getting breast cancer. Thankfully, I do not have any mutations! I may never know why some of my cells went rogue and turned into cancer, but I do know that I will do what I can to prevent this from happening again. So, I opted for a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Here’ why…

The cancer in one side isn’t going to ‘jump’ to the other side, if it does metastasize then it would travel to other organs like my liver, lungs, brain. But the good side can someday develop contralateral breast cancer… it’s own, new breast cancer separate from the one I have now... What? Isn’t once enough??

The survival rate is the same whether the good side is kept or removed, but I feel like there’s a caveat - if the good side is kept who knows if I will have to go through this entire process/scare again to get back to that survival statistic? I never want to experience those gut-wrenching moments in the radiologist office again if I can help it - scans, biopsies, and the possibility of a new breast cancer.

I was also told that I have a 5-10% risk of developing contralateral breast cancer in the future if the healthy side is kept, but 1-2% if it is removed.

My mammogram showed that I have dense breast tissue, which makes detecting abnormalities challenging and I would need a mammogram and MRI every year.

One reason to keep the good side is if I wanted to nurse in the future, but that job is done. Other reasons are still wanting feeling there (they cut through nerves during the mastectomy and I will no longer have feeling there), and less intense surgery and recovery.

The options presented to me when getting a mastectomy were to get delayed reconstruction, or an atheistic flat closure. For delayed reconstruction, the plastic surgeon puts in temporary expanders during the mastectomy to help keep the integrity of the skin. Reconstruction looks like either implants or DIEP flap reconstruction and takes place after my other cancer treatments .

I wasn’t set on either of the options - the implants are an easier upfront surgery, but may require more maintenance, replacement, or issues with infection and capsular contracture. I don't love the idea of having something foreign in my body, and the recent talks about breast implant illness. For DIEP flap reconstruction, the plastic surgeon takes tissue from the abdomen to fill the breast area, it’s an amazing feat and my plastic surgeon is one of the best in the area to perform that type of reconstruction. I favored this one because it’s my own tissue and seems more natural, but the recovery time is 6-8 weeks and no lifting babies during that time! Plus an additional scar from hip to hip.

Or I could choose an atheistic flat closure. I found some women on Instagram who shared their stories with me as to why they choose this option - they all similarly said they didn’t want additional surgeries for reconstruction, wanted to get back to their activities quicker/pick up their children, and didn’t identify with there breasts. I felt so empowered by their confidence and was considering this, it seemed the ‘easiest’ to me. But when I sat with that decision, I realized that it wasn’t what I truly wanted and it felt more emotional for me to get everything completely removed. If I have major issues anytime along the process of reconstruction, then I’m okay to have an atheistic flat closure and move on.

We’ve felt incredibly supported by friends and family this past month and are so grateful. A couple things I did before surgery that helped me accept this circumstance: a photoshoot with Leah Rife and a girls get-together with some friends to say ta-ta to the tatas!

Overall my surgery went well and I was able to go home the same day. I’ve never had a surgery or anesthesia before so I was nervous about it. The surgeon took 2 sentinel lymph nodes, had them checked during surgery, and they were clear! They’ll get sent off with the breast tissue to pathology for more information. I thought I was tough after giving birth to two kids, but the pain for this recovery is pretty intense. Even more difficult is not being able to pick up and snuggle E & H. I’m managing though and so grateful that the tumors are finally out of my body!

Next step is talking over pathology results with my doctors next week and finalizing a chemo and targeted drug treatment plan.

Photo by the talented Leah Rife

Current mantas:

I can handle this. My mind and body are strong.

My body is not defenseless against this disease.