Diagnosis & the first few weeks
On February 2nd I had a mammogram and ultrasound for a suspicious lump I found. The radiologist came in saying she was “very worried” and rated my images “highly suspicious for malignancy.” I was crushed. I went into this appointment thinking what I felt was just due to nursing and I’d walk out continuing on with my normal life. Instead my entire world was turned upside down. The next day I had a biopsy to test for malignancy.
On February 8th, H’s 1st birthday, I got a call saying the biopsy results showed invasive ductal carcinoma.
On February 11th I turned 34.
34, with breast cancer. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I write this while nursing for one of the last times, forced to stop because of what’s to come. And I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet, but I do know I will never stop fighting for these three. I will show my bravery and strength for them every single day.
That was my instagram post when I told ‘the world’ that I have breast cancer.
There’s been a lot of hurrying and then a lot of waiting since then.
Going back to the day I had my mammogram… I knew that day that I had breast cancer, just by the way the radiologist and tech spoke, but there was still a tiny bit of me that hoped it wasn’t true. Tirelessly googling ‘benign BI-RAD 5 outcomes’ and acting as a detective thinking surely I had to be one of these benign cases. It took even more of our energy to hold back tears these first few days. Possibly being faced with your own mortality is scary… terrifying… something I never imagined in my 30’s. Every moment with E & H felt like my heart was breaking, could this be one of the last times I hug/nurse/sing/dance/bake/play/run/snuggle/color/laugh/smile with them? The thought of not being here for my family brings up emotions that I cannot explain, it just simply is not an option.
Bluntly put, when Casey and I heard ‘cancer’ our minds instantly went to ‘dying’. Our direct experience with cancer has been with Casey’s dad who passed away from metastatic melanoma when Casey was in elementary school, and my step-mom who passed away from breast cancer 7 years ago. My step-mom was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer 14 years ago, she fought hard and gracefully for 7 years. But the struggles of her journey replayed in my head those first few days and I could not shake them.
The amount of support and encouragement we received from friends, family, and friends of friends has been amazing; everyone eager to help with anything they could offer - a listening ear, hugs, flowers, food, coffee, mantras, playdates for E & H, connecting me with someone they know with a similar experience, offering professional knowledge from pharmaceutical to oncology and surgery (gosh, my friends are smart!) Talking with other breast cancer fighters and survivors helped me tremendously. Obviously this journey is going to be hard, but hearing positive outcomes and how survivors gracefully got through and are now thriving gave me hope… my mind suddenly shifted… this isn’t ‘end game’ this is a blip in my life, this is going to test my physical and mental strength more than ever before, but there is no other way to get past it then to go through it. I will survive.
A ‘stars aligned’ moment happened when we needed to find my medical team, people who are going to walk this walk with me, people that I am literally going to trust with my life. Casey works at a local hospital and works with some of the best, so right away we had our people, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Step 1: Meet with oncology surgeon.
A week after my diagnosis was my first appointment with the oncology surgeon. She told me my official diagnosis:
Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC), ER+and HER2+, clinical Stage I
I won’t go into much medical information here, as I am not an expert and there are many resources out there, but what I know is IDC is one of the more common (read: treatable) breast cancers, ‘invasive’ means it has broken out of where the cancer first began in my milk ducts, ER+ and HER2+ are the receptors (what's ‘feeding’ the cancer). Clinical staging is based off of mammogram and ultrasound images and the biopsy reuslts, we will not know if cancer cells are in my lymph nodes until surgery, at which point we will get a better idea of staging.
My surgeon also went through what treatment will look like for me (the goal: remove the cancer and make sure that sh*t doesn't come back):
Surgery (Local Treatment)
Chemotherapy (Systemic Treatment and reduce reoccurrence risk)
Radiation (Local Treatment, if cancer cells found in lymph nodes)
Reconstruction
HER2 targeted therapy starting with chemotherapy and continuing for about a year (Systemic Treatment and reduce reoccurrence risk)
Anti-estrogen pills for up to 10 years (Systemic Treatment to reduce reoccurrence risk)
My surgery is scheduled for 3/14. I have 4 small tumors, largest is 1.6cm, and calcification that are in different quadrants; therefore, my only option for surgery is a mastectomy.
Step 2: Meet with genetics.
I had genetic counseling and testing the next week. They are testing for 18 possible gene mutations to see if I am a carrier… that will open up a can of worms for me and my family if one comes back positive, but I’ve put that out of my mind for now. If I do have a gene mutation then I want to get a double mastectomy. If not, I am considering just a single mastectomy for many reasons… but that chat is for another time.
Step 3: Meet with plastic surgeon.
We got in with one of the best plastic surgeons in the area. She discussed the option of implants vs. DIEP flap (using my abdominal tissue and blood vessels). They will place a temporary expander in during my mastectomy surgery and I can decide on the type of reconstruction after chemo and radiation (if needed).
Step 4: Wait…
This is the hardest part, the waiting, the feeling like cancer is just growing in my body and I’m not doing anything right now to stop it. But I am doing things, a lot of things… I’m practicing patience, educating myself, and enjoying my life. I’m preparing all the things I’ll need for the 3-4 week recovery post-surgery. I’m working on my mental health by continuing to journal using Alignment Journaling and my physical health by continuing to eat whole-food-plant-based and moving everyday. I’m getting my mind and body ready for this journey.
I have felt every single emotion possible over the past few weeks, and within the hard moments, we have found times to celebrate, laugh, and have fun. Anytime I start to worry about the ‘what-ifs’, Casey reassures me that we will figure it out, and I fully trust him that we will. I’m taking it one step at a time, and trying to find beauty at each step. This weekend we went shopping for wigs… when the surgeon told me chemo is in my treatment plan, I cried. No one wants to lose their hair and I don’t want to feel sick from treatment. I take pride in the work I do at home as a mom and a wife and I don’t want to have ‘down days’, but I can navigate the hair loss by getting a beautiful wig. So that’s what we did. It was actually a really fun experience, and don’t worry, I’m not going blonde :)
Current mantras:
I accept my circumstances as they unfold and trust in my ability to overcome whatever is presented to me.
I will survive.