Chemo No. 6 - 8
It feels like I’m making progress now that I have more chemo treatments behind me than in front of me. If I stay on track, my last chemo (No. 12) will be June 30th… this month!!! We’re in a rhythm with my chemo treatments, my blood cell counts haven’t dropped too much, treatment days are long but going smoothly, and the kids are in routine now with grandmas coming to help.
The response when others ask me how I’m doing is so complex in my head, that I end up just saying "I’m doing okay!” I do feel like I’m handling chemo much better physically than I imagined when I first found out I had to do chemo - picturing myself sick and weak. I’m doing weekly Taxol which is at a lower dose compared to a regimen every 3 weeks at a higher dose. This weekly chemo isn’t a ‘stop sign’, it has slowed me down some, but I redefined that cancer patient I initially pictured - I am resilient, motivated, strong, and forever changed.
I watch my body morph into someone I sometimes don’t recognize. I continue to lose hair, gain weight, and try to accept I will never have my breasts back. We took our annual family trip up to South Haven over Memorial Day weekend and it was so wonderful to get away, see family, and make memories together, but I was hit with a lot of emotions I wasn’t expecting when we arrived. We make this trip every year… and the memories from years’ past came flooding back. There is a picture of us in a frame there from 2 years ago (when I was unknowingly pregnant with H) and I mourned the person I was in that picture - a young, healthy, fit mother….with hair. I stepped out to our car and allowed myself to cry (a lot) and feel those emotions. Will memories forever be categorized into “before” and “after” cancer?
As much as I’m trying to embrace it, I miss my hair. I had a difficult time deciding what look to go with when we were on this trip - wig, scarf, hat, nothing? I went with whatever I felt like at the time - hat to the beach, scarf for a stop into town, wig to a cookout. Sometimes I wear my wigs because I just want to blend in and I don’t want to be seen as a ‘cancer patient’ to others, but I’ll tell ya… it’s freeing to just have nothing on my head and rock it.
The mental journey remains the biggest struggle for me. I started changing how I word things… I refrain from saying phrases like “I’m sick” and “I have cancer”, instead saying “I’m healing” and “I was diagnosed with cancer” or “I had cancer”. These phrases are true… I’m not sick, my body is working to repair and heal itself. And I don’t have cancer anymore, I had cancer and it was all removed during surgery. My oncologist explained that there isn’t a way to tell if the cancer is completely gone on a microscopic level, so chemo, HER2 targeted therapy, and radiation are my insurances to make sure all breast cancer cells are gone and I am technically NED (no evidence of disease) after they removed my tumors during surgery. So… I had cancer, and now my body is healing.
Prior to my diagnosis, I thought I lived a pretty ‘healthy’ life. We made major lifestyle changes after my step-mom passed away from breast cancer 7 years ago - shifting to eating primarily whole-food-plant-based, exercising more, and we stopped drinking alcohol as often (I stopped completely when I was pregnant with Ellie, over 4 years ago). One aspect I didn’t have a handle on very well was my stress and anxiety… it isn’t healthy when our bodies are in constant fight or flight. I’m recognizing that I can’t keep living the life I was living before cancer, things need to change. I am letting go of the hustle culture I was wrapped up in and slowing my life down, slowing our lives down. Any energy I have during my treatments is going towards my healing and my family, and I plan to continue this slower-paced lifestyle once treatments are done too.
I’m incredibly grateful for conventional medicine and the advancements that took a once scary diagnosis of HER2+ breast cancer and made it curable in earlier stages and increased survival rates. I’m also aware of how powerful our minds and bodies are at repairing, healing, and preventing disease. There is a balance between living healthy and living with an obsession of health that becomes unhealthy, and this journey is helping me to look at areas of my life I’d like to improve for my healing and enjoyment, and things I’d like to just let go of and relax.
Here are a some things that are currently helping me:
I stand behind a whole-food-plant based diet, truly believe food is medicine, and have dove deep into the diet recommendations from “Breasts: The Owner’s Manual” by breast surgeon Kristi Funk (highly recommend this book to every woman with or without breast cancer). However, sometimes it’s just too much to make sure I’m eating all the “perfect” foods all the time. I’m eating whole as much as I can, drinking my daily green tea, enjoying my food, and trusting my knowledge to fuel my body with what it needs to heal and prevent disease… but it isn't perfect and that’s okay.
I started hypnotherapy with Katya Lovejoy who I connected with through DoCancer.org, I truly feel it is what I need to help heal deep trauma and fear. Do Cancer is an amazing organization that provides an integrative, concierge healing plan designed to be used alongside medical treatment. I was accepted into their program and encourage cancer patients to apply for their program, or others to gift a Healing Kit to someone they know or donate to Do Cancer to help fund these incredible programs.
I’m letting go of exercising to look a certain way. I exercise to feel strong mentally and physically. I move daily because I can.
I started Alignment Journaling from Tessa Romero prior to my diagnosis and I am so grateful I did. It’s helping me to identify and align with who I want to be. Journalling is no longer a dump or venting session, it is now a place of “I am” statements and rewriting my mind to show up in my life as the person I truly align with.
I watched a documentary during infusion last week about grounding/earthing (link to documentary) and now you’ll find me walking barefoot in the grass daily.
Getting outside more and practicing safe sun exposure for Vitamin D.
I started following Madisun Gray on Instagram and YouTube last year and she opened my mind to slow living. I’m letting go of the hurrying, rushing my kids around to several activities, and worrying that we do ‘all the things’, and embracing the sweetness of our everyday. I created systems in our home to be efficient and save time, yet would use that saved time to fill with more productive tasks. I felt like I had to move quickly and not waste any time. I’m redefining all of that, and allowing nothingness into our day to encourage creativity, imagination, spontaneity, and connection. I still “work” hard, but my energy is spent only doing the things I want to do, that are important to me, and slowing down to savor and enjoy them.
I also started following Heather Barta (thebartahouse) on Instagram last year and started to minimize and create a cleaning schedule for our home. I created a daily cleaning schedule focusing on different rooms in our home, and I spend only 20 minutes or so to tackle that daily task. Gone are the weekends of deep cleaning as this schedule helps me stay on top of keeping our home clean and functioning. What I’ve also learned… less stuff is easier to manage and frees up more of my time. We started purging, and becoming very intentional about the items we bring into our home.
Actually, Madisun Gray said it best “value people and relationships, quality experiences and special events, accomplishments that you feel added value to the world and you’re proud of, then consider the fact that the things we hold onto keep us from the very things we value in life. Organizing, storing, cleaning, reorganizing, figuring out what to do with these sentimental items, maybe you can just let go and hang onto the memory and get back to doing more of what matters most to you. Have your things. Don’t let them have you.”
Sleep. I’m still working on this one, as I’m wrapped into the mindset of deserving “me” time or time with Casey after the kids go to bed. But I’m recognizing that that time is mainly spent watching tv… and I would much rather be getting more sleep. I’m more patient, energized, and present when I get the sleep I need. Not to mention, the side effects of my chemo accumulate and I’m really feeling the fatigue lately.
What’s next? 4 more weekly chemo treatments, 15 more immunotheraphy treatments (every 3 weeks until the end of next April) and 25 radiation treatments (everyday M-F for 5 weeks in Sept). I also have a surgery scheduled for August 7th… more on that later.
Current Mantras:
“I’m letting go of the past, the things I can’t control, the worrying, the hurrying, wondering what others think of me, staying busy to avoid my feelings, and I’m walking into the most successful, soul-nourishing year of my life. Good things are coming.” (Madisun Gray)