Chemo No. 9 - 12

I did it, I’m done with chemo!

The last few infusions were long but uneventful, I continued to lose my hair and my fatigue and brain fog worsened, but I managed through those side effects okay. My anxiety was terrible some days and I started to get hot flashes at night - my oncologist said these symptoms were likely due to chemo shutting down my ovaries/estrogen production - which is commonly one of the not-so-lovely side effects for premenopausal women. I’d like my hair, boobs, and estrogen back now please :)

June 30th was my last day of chemo (Taxol)! Three other patients rang the bell that day before me, which was amazing. All of the nurses watched as I gave that bell three solid rings and then tried to hold back tears…

Just short of 5 months ago, I was sitting in a room with a radiologist, listening to her explain to me what she saw on my mammogram images and I remember saying out loud to them “I can’t do this, I can’t go through chemo”, while hyperventilating and sobbing (honestly, not even knowing yet if I needed chemo, and not all breast cancer patients need it, but that is where my mind initially went). But I can do it and I did do it, and that feels incredible.

…I hugged Casey, thanked my wonderful nurses, and told them they’re not getting rid of me just yet - I’ll be back for immunotherapy infusions every 3 weeks until next April.

We came home to the most thoughtful decorations my mom put up with the E & H - pictures of us through this journey so far, drawings from the kids, and thoughtful messages from family and friends. It was beautiful and so special. Then my mom and Casey surprised me with a few friends and their families coming over for pizza and cupcakes. My heart was so full; I felt loved and supported, and tried to soak it all in (as best as I could… I was still pretty loopy from the Benedryl premed).

After the celebration and excitement of being done with chemo fizzled out, reality started to set in - I wasn’t going to all of a sudden go back to the person I was before chemo, poof… my hair is long again, the weight gain is gone, neuropathy is better, digestive issues are gone, skin is clear, and my energy is back… and I just skip along back into ‘normal’ life. The side effects from my last chemo treatment were in full swing for a week or more after my last infusion. I didn’t lose all of my hair during chemo, but it’s very thin, and I’m continuing to lose hair. I don’t recognize myself from all of these changes, and some days it’s hard to look in the mirror. It’s still emotional to look at pictures from ‘before cancer’, and I’ve been working on letting go of that person I once was, because I’ll never be her again. As much as I mourn who I was before, I’m trying to have patience in knowing that the person I’m becoming will be better in so many ways I was initially unaware of.

I’m so grateful for this big step to be over, but active treatment isn’t done yet and there’s still a long road ahead. I’m starting to feel a bit of “cancer treatment fatigue”, but there’s no stopping. It will continue to be a physical and mental journey, and I wonder if there will be a time way into the future where I go a day without thinking about cancer… and don’t misunderstand - I still have really joyful moments in the simplicity of life and we’ve been soaking up this summer at the pool, going for walks, gardening, visiting with friends and neighbors, playing, etc. This is also why I’ve pulled back on some things though, because there’s just not enough time in the day and there’s not enough space in my mind and energy for everything right now - I’m prioritizing my health, my family, and my joy.

I was recently chatting with another breast cancer friend who I met along this journey, and we were talking about how when people say “you’re so strong”, some days it feels empowering and some days it feels like we’re complete frauds because it’s difficult to be real and raw. What’s ‘strong’? Because there are moments I have where I really don’t feel strong, and some people would probably be shocked with the amount of tears and emotions I express. I try so hard to be the person I want to be during all of this, and some days the changes I’m experiencing get to me… even small things like I was struggling to open a salsa jar the other day, because my hands and arms are weak, because of surgery/chemo, because of cancer, and I fall into a victim mentality for a second. It takes a lot to get out of that place (and I did end up opening that darn salsa jar). Or there are times I’m short with E&H because my window of tolerance is so narrow some days. And I cringe when I say ‘no’ when the kids want to stay outside to play, but it’s hot and my arm is feeling tight (from lymph node removal) so I want to cool off to avoid getting lymphedema. Am I ‘strong’ in those situations?

I continue to go down this healing journey everyday, trying to rediscover and connect to myself, trying to heal my anger that has been masking my hurt and vulnerability, and finding joy in my simple moments in life.

Next up for treatment is surgery August 7th, continuing immunotherapy infusions every 3 weeks until next April, and radiation in September.