Chemo No. 3 & 4
I didn’t have an infusion reaction during my last two chemo treatments thanks to an increase in premed steriods. The side effects of the steroids aren’t lovely, but I remind myself that this is temporary and it’s helping me get through chemo. I’m one third of the way done with my chemo treatments! If I stay on track then I’ll be done before July!
I’m doing okay physically, but some days are emotionally and mentally challenging. A few days after my second chemo treatment was especially difficult - I felt depressed, angry, bitter, sad, and I sulked…. I stayed in bed all afternoon while my mom was with E & H, not because I needed the physical rest but because I was in such a difficult mental state that I didn’t want to move. Then I put a tremendous amount of shame and guilt on myself - for being a terrible mom and for not being strong. I thought ‘I don’t want to do this' - I realized it wasn’t the treatment I didn't want to do, it was THIS - being in this state of anger for so long and then shaming myself for it. I know the things that I need to do help myself mentally and I’ve made those things a priority since that day - journaling, going outside, spending time with my family, moving, meditating, serving my home, slowing down, going to bed early. The person I was that afternoon does not align with who I want to be, and it was a place I don’t want to be in.
Accepting all of these medications has also been difficult. Before my diagnosis I would generally take medicine only for my migraines, but otherwise would try to take a more natural approach and listen to what my body needs. My medication list seems like miles long now… mainly with all of the premeds to prevent an infusion reaction. I’ve felt like a cancer-patient-experiment with trying to find a balance with medications and side effects, and sometimes it makes it hard to feel like “me” still.
I started to meditate during chemo no. 3 premeds… I was nervous about having another infusion reaction and needed to calm those nerves. Honestly, I was terrified, another infusion reaction meant we would need to change course. In that moment I felt the prayers, energy, and support from everyone. I am so thankful for those who let me know of their prayers and energy sent my way, people who I speak to often and those who I haven’t spoken to in over a decade, praying with their kids, praying for me and my kids. During that mediation, I envisioned myself sitting on a beach at sunset, and circled around me were multiple circles of everyone supporting me - my immediate family, faraway family, friends, neighbors, medical team, etc. And above me were my angels - my step mom, Casey’s dad, my grandpa. I held onto that vision for a long time and I go back to that place now every time I feel scared, sad, or alone. It’s a place of support, calm, and peace and I am incredibly grateful for everyone who ‘sits with me’.
And that was the first infusion with no reaction, thanks in big part to the increase in premeds, but I like to think my little mediation helped my mind and body feel at peace and accept the chemo treatment.
This past week I feel ‘back as mommy’, no longer having lifting restrictions and getting back into a daily rhythm with E & H. I’m still going to weekly rehab appointments to continue to regain mobility and ease tightness in my chest and arms, but I’m able to do SO much more now. It feels freeing! We’re going to keep chugging along with the 8 chemo treatments I have left, with targeted immunotherapy sprinkled in every 3 weeks.
My next big obstacle is my hair… I’ve noticed more loss this week, not clumps yet, like I’ve heard others experience, but more than my postpartum hair shedding. I will probably shave it off once it starts really falling out, but I feel like once I do then I’ll look like I have cancer and that’s going to be tough.
Current mantras:
What a terrible thing it would be to miss out on what is right in front of me right now for fear. The fear that the best of life is already behind me instead of still out in front.
Belief itself shifts biology.