Chemo No. 2
I’m thankful my side effects from my first chemo treatment were manageable. The steroids were still in full effect the day after chemo, Day 2, so I felt like a super hero. Day 3 was my “down day” with little appetite, nausea, and a headache, managed with medicine and resting most of the day. By Day 4 I was mostly feeling normal, and Day 5+ I felt like myself! It takes a lot physically and mentally to go into the infusion center weekly for treatment, but this weekly lower dose seems to have manageable side effects. Staying hydrated throughout chemo is incredibly important - 64 to 96 ounces a day!
We got labs and met with my oncologist on Friday before my second treatment. My blood cell counts look great and my oncologist made a few modifications to my premeds. Taxol (chemo) was started at 25% infusion rate and almost immediately, I had another reaction. I had relief once they stopped the infusion and then gave me more steroids. I felt really nervous and discouraged. It seemed to stump my medical team to why this happened again, especially with the changes we made. We waited 30 minutes and did a rechallenge, and with no reaction I was able to finish my second treatment! My oncologist will be making more changes to my premeds for next week and hopefully can figure out a regimen that gets me through treatment without that initial reaction.
Some other updates… we met with my radiation oncologist and she suggests that I get radiation after chemo. Radiation is always needed when cancer cells are found in the lymph nodes, which wasn't the case for me. However, because I had a small area of unclear margin (meaning cancer cells were found at the edge of the margin of tissue removed… so there could still be cancer cells in my breast area), my oncologist and breast surgeon sent me to a radiation oncologist for her opinion. She brought my case to the Tumor Board and two of her other colleagues downtown, the general consensus was that the benefit of radiation outweighs the risks. Other factors that played into that decision were my age and that cancer cells were found in the vessels in my breast tissue. The goal is to reduce the chance (by 50%) of a local reoccurrence. Initially I was bummed about this recommendation - radiation has risks, it pushes back reconstruction (6 months after radiation ends), it may also cause issues with reconstruction and healing, and it’s time consuming - with 25 treatments (5 weeks, M-F). My attitude quickly changed when I realized I do want to be aggressive and do everything I can to reduce the chance of it coming back - I’m only 34 years old, I have a lot of life to live and I want that to be cancer free. So bring it on… radiation will start about a month after chemo ends.
My weeks have been consumed of appointments, so. many. appointments. I also saw my plastic surgeon last week for my last fill. I opted to get temporary expanders/implants during my double mastectomy surgery to help keep the integrity of my skin and to have something there while I wait for reconstruction surgery. It was a hard realization after I found out that I have to get radiation now that I’ll be living with these expanders for about a year… I’m going to be honest, I don’t like them. They’re tight, feel hard, and are uncomfortable. My reconstructed breasts will not be very big so I only had 2 fills for these expanders, and it doesn’t fill out the entire volume of the expanders I have. I looked at them when I was getting dressed at my appointment and my heart sank… they look like Frankenstein-boobs… I know this is not the ‘final product’ and my plastic surgeon does beautiful reconstruction work, but it’s something I had to mentally process.
The physical changes through this journey are hard, but I remind myself that I am not defined by my hair, my boobs, my skin (thank you chemo and steroids for bringing back my acne), etc. I am a mommy, a wife, a friend, a daughter, no matter how I look. I’m thankful everyday for E & H - the strength I find as a parent to get up every day and find joy in that day for my kids, no matter what other difficult circumstances are presented to me, is unmatched.
In January I started an Alignment Journaling course from Tessa Romero, I challenged myself to journal 100 straight days, and now I’m on my second round! This style of journalling has helped me through this cancer journey to ease my fears and anxieties, and stay in alignment with who I want to be. Recently I listened to one of her podcasts ‘Who are you choosing to be in your circumstances?’, and it really hit me. A cancer diagnosis is terrible and it’s very easy to slip into a victim mentality, but who am I choosing to be in this situation, who do I want to be showing up to this circumstance? Am I going to fall victim to this situation or am I going to find strength to show myself and my children how to face my greatest fears? I choose the latter… I choose to not have cancer dictate my life and take away my happiness. I was once the person who thought “I can’t imagine” when I heard someone’s cancer story, but here I am… imagining it… living it… and it’s changing me. It’s changing me physically, mentally, and helping me find who I want to be. I’m facing one of my biggest fears - cancer - and after I kick it’s ass, I will have overcome one of my greatest fears… what an empowering feeling!
