Radiation
I feel like I’m in a beautiful forest, but the trees are crashing down around me.
I’m hurdling over fallen ones and trying to outrun others.
And I can’t stop, there’s no option to stop, so I just keep going.
I look over and others are running with me in support, sometimes I’m carrying my children too, and often I’m running alone… it’s on me, no one can keep me going, no one can carry me, there’s no shortcut… it feels exhausting and isolating, yet powerful.
So much of my focus and energy is spent dodging the falling forest that I barely notice anything else around me - I’m in pure survival mode.
And then there are moments where the trees fall a little slower - I can slow down, I hear the birds, I notice the way the sun sparkles in the trees, and see the beauty of the forest - I slow down to watch my children play and grow, connect with family and friends, dance, laugh, take time to heal.
Just as I’m starting to bask in this joy, the falling starts again, and I’m running again… and so the cycle continues.
Will the falling ever stop? Will I always be listening and watching for the trees to start crashing down again? Will I be able to embrace the true beauty of the forest around me? Will I ever feel free?
I’m determined to one day feel free.
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I finished radiation about a month ago - 25 total treatments for 5 weeks Monday-Friday. A few other women I spoke to who walked this path before me said radiation wasn’t too bad physically, but it was a complete mind f***. And that it was. Going in every day - a constant reminder of having had cancer. Some mornings I’d drive to the cancer center singing to blasting music, some mornings I’d sit in complete silence with my mind feeling numb, and others I would be sobbing only to wipe my tears as soon as I parked and put on a cheery, happy face - because when asked “how are you today?”, I didn’t feel like explaining… well I tried to fit in work and my pre-treatment skin care this morning so I was rushing before my appointment, didn’t realize my husband was parked behind me in the driveway, smashed into his car, yelled at him loud enough for the neighbors to hear (later taking full ownership, that one was on me), cried and screamed like my 4 year old during the drive here, I need to rush home soon so my husband can get to work because my 1 year old is still home with me because I’m not working enough to pay for childcare, but also my heart aches in the thought of not spending my days with him, I’m spiraling, my life feels like complete chaos, and I don’t feel in control of anything… but yeah, I’m great, how are you?
My radiation treatment was with “breath holds” - holding my breath during each position of the machine to move my heart back away from the radiated area. I felt a lot of anxiety the first few treatments, coupled with the breath holds, it felt like my heart pounding was in my throat. I kept thinking, “okay new friend, you’re not going to find any cancer cells in there, they’re gone, so just look around and then leave please” (even though I fully know that’s not how the science of radiation works, but it helped me mentally cope with the possible side effects, short and long term). And of course I thought about my kids - they are my motivation everyday and I will do anything to make sure I live this beautiful life with them for as long as possible.
The radiated area was my cancer side chest, the lymph nodes above my chest, and the lymph nodes under my arm. I kept up with the recommended skincare of green tea spray and aloe; my skin got a little pink, like a slight sunburn, but otherwise did really well! I’m working with a physical therapist for my arm mobility and tightness of the fascia in the radiated/surgery area (Denise at Achieve Therapy is exceptional and I highly recommend her if you’re in the north-Indy area! https://www.achievetherapyin.com).
Overall, I’m grateful this step of my treatment is over. We went straight to parent teacher conferences for E after I rang the bell, then drove up to Leland for our annual fall trip!
